


hungry and hollow

by QuietLittleVoices



Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 10:15:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14830373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuietLittleVoices/pseuds/QuietLittleVoices
Summary: He felt like a thief, like he was taking friendship from Jack and corrupting it into something other than what it was. A small part of him wanted to talk to someone about it but the only person he could think of that would listen without judgement was Jack, and he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t even imagine how to speak about it in hypotheticals, because of course Jack would know instantly - sometimes, he thought Jack might know him better than he knew himself.





	hungry and hollow

**Author's Note:**

> My second fic of the day I guess?? I started this a long time ago and only just finished it because like... it deals with guilt and shame that comes from desire as a gay person, largely projected from my own experiences as a gay person. It was kind of hard to write for that reason because it's a lot of feelings I don't like to think about.
> 
> That being said, it did kind of get away from me, and it revolves less around that character study/introspection by the end of it.
> 
> Title from Wishbone by Richard Siken.
> 
> As always, comments & kudos are greatly appreciated :)

It wasn’t that Sammy was avoiding Jack, it was just that he couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him. Nothing had changed, but all of a sudden Sammy could barely look at Jack without feeling his face heat up and a knot tangle itself up in the pit of his stomach. Nothing Jack had been doing was any different at all. It was all Sammy and his messy, stupid feelings rearing their ugly head out of nowhere and fucking with the best thing in his life.

He knew it wasn’t lost on Jack, who had started to look at him with puppy dog eyes whenever he saw Sammy start to withdraw. 

“Are you-” Jack started as Sammy began shoving his books into his bag. Sammy stopped in place as Jack collected his thoughts. “You would tell me if something was wrong, right?” he asked carefully. “You’re my best friend and I don’t want you to think you can’t tell me things.”

Sammy felt the the pit in his stomach harden and he tried to smile reassuringly at Jack. “Yeah, of course. Everything’s... fine. I’ve just got this massive essay due, and the prof hates me already, so I’m a bit stressed but it’s fine.” He closed his bag and hefted it onto his shoulder. “I was actually just gonna go to the library to work on it, if you wanna come?” 

“I’ve got rugby soon so I have to get shit done around here before then or I would,” he said, allowing Sammy his reclusion. “Just… keep that in mind, for the future, okay?”

“I will,” he replied. “I appreciate it, man.” He took a deep breath. “You’re my best friend, too, so. Don’t worry. If anything goes wrong, you’ll be the first to know.”

Jack didn’t look convinced. “Sure, thanks. Go be studious - God knows you need it.”

Sammy rolled his eyes, relieved at the return to a safer conversation. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. At least I’m spending my evening in the library and not my jock buddies.”

Jack yelled something about ‘social life’ and ‘working out is good for you’ as Sammy left the apartment. His chest felt warm and he hated it. 

 

It wasn’t getting worse, but it wasn’t getting better, either. Sammy shouldn’t have been surprised at that - the attraction itself wasn’t new, because Jack was handsome and charming and while Sammy wasn’t exactly objective in thinking that he felt pretty confident about it. But it wasn’t just about thinking Jack was good looking anymore - when they were both getting breakfast in the kitchen he thought about how Jack would look waking up next to him, when they were sitting on the couch he thought about resting his arm around Jack’s shoulders, when they hung out just the two of them he wished it meant something else.

He got pretty good at ignoring it when he had to, unravelling the knot in his stomach and being able to breathe around it, but some days were harder than others. Sammy thought he was done having to explain himself after he promised Jack he would tell him if there was anything wrong, but there was no accounting for Lily. 

“He thinks you’re mad at him,” she said, walking into the living room right after Jack had left for the gym.

Sammy trained his eyes harder towards the textbook he’d been trying to study from and tried to fight the blush he could feel starting at the back of his neck. “I’m not,” he muttered.

Lily rolled her eyes. “ _ I _ know that,” she said, “because  _ I’m _ the only person in this apartment with any goddamn sense.” She walked past him towards the bedrooms, tapping him on the back of the head as she went. “Get your shit together, Stevens.”

He wasn’t sure what to make of that. On one hand, Lily clearly knew something about what Sammy was feeling, even if she didn’t know exactly, and she didn’t care or at least didn’t hate him for it. On the other, the pit in his stomach was starting to boil over. 

Every time Jack said or did something that made Sammy feel warm or affectionate or whatever he didn’t want to call it, it got worse. He thought he’d worked through at least some of the shame about his sexuality in general, at least to make peace with it, but he hadn’t imagined the guilt that came with specific events. He felt like a thief, like he was taking friendship from Jack and corrupting it into something other than what it was. A small part of him wanted to talk to someone about it but the only person he could think of that would listen without judgement was Jack, and he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t even imagine how to speak about it in hypotheticals, because of course Jack would know instantly - sometimes, he thought Jack might know him better than he knew himself.

It finally came to a head on one of Sammy’s ‘good days’, when he could swallow the feelings, keep the guilt at bay, and felt comfortable just being Jack’s best friend. They were sitting on the couch together, each doing their own work, when Jack shut his books and looked over at Sammy.

“I talked to Lily,” he said.

“She  _ is _ your sister,” Sammy teased, “and she  _ is _ our roommate.”

Jack rolled his eyes. “She told me why she thought you were… upset.”

Sammy’s head snapped up. He tried to say something but couldn’t think of the words. The pit in his stomach opened up and he felt something inside of him drop. He wished for a hole to open up in the ground to swallow him up

Jack didn’t say anything either, just put his hand on Sammy’s shoulder, looking scared. He leaned in a little and then stopped. “Was she… wrong?”

Sammy tried to laugh but it came out as more of a huff. “I don’t know what she said, so-”

Jack kissed him and his brain shorted out.

 

Seven years later, Jack goes missing, and Sammy finds himself in King Falls.

 

He doesn’t tell anyone because Jack isn’t there and there isn’t any reason to think telling them would help anything. Sammy obviously isn’t dating, couldn’t even imagine that, so he isn’t hiding anything from Ben or the other people he’s gotten to know in King Falls and that makes it easier. Unlike most of his adult life, there aren’t relationships (or, more accurately,  _ a _ relationship) to hide, so there aren’t lies to tell. 

He hangs out with Ben more than anyone else, and Ben is way too nice to ask anything about Sammy’s dating life, and has clearly taken the hint of Sammy never bringing it up. He’s a good friend like that - the best friend Sammy could ask for.

Still, when Ben tells a story about his college girlfriend or embarrassing himself in front of his crush in the seventh grade, Sammy wishes he could respond in kind. Part of him knows, or hopes, that Ben wouldn’t care, wouldn’t make a big deal of it, but he’s in the habit of deflecting and the feeling he gets in his stomach when he thinks about saying it, of even  _ implying _ it, keeps him from doing anything more than teasing Ben. 

And then Emily is abducted and Ben throws his whole being into finding her, and it’s admirable, and Sammy is reminded every day that he has not been able to fix anything. 

 

Something new forms in Sammy’s mind, after Ben and everyone finds out about Jack, and it crystallizes after Jack is saved.

Ben worked his ass off and got Emily back in ten months, almost running himself into the ground in the process. Sammy tried his best (or did he?) and then almost gave up and it took him almost four years to get Jack back.

_ It’s different _ , Ben reminded him constantly during the search. Sammy was getting tired of excusing himself with ‘different’. 

Sammy didn’t hear Jack enter the kitchen and is surprised by the arms that wind their way around his middle, tensing for a second before forcing himself to relax as Jack rests his head between Sammy’s shoulder blades.

“Thought you got lost looking for coffee,” Jack muttered.

“I was just thinking maybe we were done for the night. Do you think you can sleep?” he asked.

Jack hummed contemplatively. “I could try.” He twisted around, not releasing his grip around Sammy’s waist, so that he was standing next to him. Sammy moved his arm accommodatingly. 

They stumbled back to bed together, leaving the lights on as they pulled the blankets up.

Jack turned to look at Sammy once they were settled. “What’s on your mind?” he asked.

Sammy sighed, sinking back down into the bed. “Nothing - just… overwhelmed.”

“Sure,” Jack allowed. “But that’s not the only thing.”

Sammy didn’t answer, running his hand silently up and down Jack’s back. Finally, he takes a deep breath and answers, “I failed you.” It’s the first time he’s voiced anything even near the pit in his stomach. It hurts to look at Jack, like all the air has gone out of the room. Part of it is pure awe at having the ability to  _ look at Jack _ again in a real way, but part of it - and sometimes the larger part - was the pit that had opened back up. It wasn’t thievery anymore, but it was born from the secrecy that they had needed before - Sammy had grieved alone and had never been able to reach out to find the help that Ben had had from the beginning. The feeling wasn’t anything against Ben, but it was against Sammy’s own ability to get out of his own head.

“But you didn’t,” Jack said, pulling Sammy’s attention back to him. “I’m here.”

“It took me so long to even get a clue how to do anything, and even then it was mostly Ben,” he argued. 

Jack propped himself up on his elbows. “I don’t care. I wouldn’t have been able to tell if it was ten minutes or ten years, Sammy. You brought me home, and there’s still enough time for the rest of our lives.”

Sammy nodded but the words don’t sink in, and Jack doesn’t look convinced either. 

“Look,” Jack said. “ _ I _ get to decide if you failed me. And I say you didn’t. Does that make sense to you?”

Sammy met Jack’s eyes and saw the earnestness in them, and could almost laugh or maybe cry from how Jack was trying to take care of him - make sure  _ he _ was ok - when it was supposed to be Sammy’s turn now to take care of Jack. “Sure,” he said, finally. “It makes sense, but -”

“I’ll tell you every day if that’s what you need,” Jack interrupted, and Sammy felt himself smile.

“Let’s just go to sleep now, alright?”

Jack sighed and let himself settle back into the bed. “Fine, but this conversation isn’t over.”

Sammy made a sound of acknowledgement and closed his eyes, letting himself focus on the weight and reality of Jack next to him. There was still something festering inside him, something that hurt and threatened his peace of mind, but it was getting easier. Slowly, the knots untied and the pit closed in.


End file.
